Marriage, Religion, Small Towns, and Change

I just got off the phone with my best friend in the whole world. While talking to her it really hit me- we are so different.

I love her with every inch of me. When we talk, we talk for hours without ever pausing for breath or thought. I can say anything, she can say anything.. theres never judgment or half truths, never negativity, never anything but complete support. But as time goes on I realize the different paths we've taken and how those paths have shaped us into the people we are- good and bad.

On the phone she was so excited, and I couldn't help but smile to myself. She's been visiting a guy friend in the Army. He lives with some other people, and apparently one of the girls that lives there has little girls. My friend couldn't stop talking about how cute these kids were, how much fun she had playing with them, how cute the guy was with them. She said the guy kept "joking" around saying they were getting married, or telling everyone they already were married. Her voice told the familiar story.

For a girl in a small town the ultimate goal is marriage and family. Now, I'm not saying this is a bad goal to have- heaven knows when I was at home that was my sole goal and purpose as well. I'm just highlighting the differences that have come as a result of our different directions.

In my mind two things stand out from my hometown: Marriage and Religion (and they go hand in hand). Marriage is on the minds and lips of every sophomore aged couple, and religion on the mind and lips of every- well everyone, the saints and the sinners alike. Churches push kids to get married, and marriage/family pushes kids to go to church (and to stay in the small town they come from so no one ever tells them religion isn't right)- a vicious cycle that fulfills all psychological needs- it gives people a goal, and gives people a higher/meaningful purpose.

But when I left town I met people who had never been to church, who knew nothing of religion, who had no desire to date yet, and who had found their purpose in other ways. And ultimately I concluded that I had been brainwashed my entire life. That religion was an easy way out of the mental torture a being endures when he/she feels like his/her existence is pointless. I decided I would create my own purpose, and prove that people are strong enough fulfill their own psychological needs.

All in all, its been really tough. I mean, these people raise you with these ideas and they tell you its wrong to question them. So you never do. Anytime you start to doubt you feel guilty so you quickly direct your thoughts elsewhere. This was a huge battle for me- simply allowing myself to doubt; allowing myself to entertain the idea that religion could be wrong.
And after that I had to teach myself that "not everything happens for a reason." That really everything is just a consequence of something you or someone else has done. People aren't placed in your life, and good things aren't just given to you. Either you work for them and earn them, or you don't.
Then- I had to establish my own morality. Define things as wrong or right in my mind- not because someone else told me they were right or wrong. I had to evaluate every thing that I'd always considered bad and question why such a thing should be wrong. It was a good feeling.

But, truly, the hardest thing really has been finding my own purpose. And though I don't know what my "ultimate" purpose is, I wake up every morning purposely continuing; purposely pushing and growing; purposely pursuing perfection; purposely trying to mold myself into someone that may eventually change the world in one way or another; and purposely building a being that can one day create wonderfully amazing children who will be strong enough to pursue their own purpose.


I now have new goals, and I attribute them mostly to my change in environment. It has allowed me to explore an enormous world I would have never known, and has dangled new golden apples in front of me that are mine for the purposeful picking.